How to Give Feedback that Doesn’t Bite

Effective Messages, Without the Sting 

Let’s be honest – giving feedback, especially critical feedback, can be really uncomfortable. We’ve all been on the receiving end of feedback that was delivered poorly and left us feeling deflated or defensive. But it doesn’t have to be that way! There’s a skill to providing feedback in a way that is constructive, motivating, and focused on accelerated performance. The key is leveraging tools like behavioral assessments to understand how to communicate feedback most effectively to each individual.

Tenants of Effective Communication

Effective communication starts with being transparent, honest, and respectable. The old saying goes “say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.” Those are wise words, especially when you’re trying to deliver critiques or areas for improvement. 

Set expectations– for the employee and for your conversation. Before you give feedback, consider “does my employee know what’s expected of them?” Describe the metrics or standards of expectation for the role, task or behavior you desire so that your employee is well-informed. Additionally, when there’s an opportunity, you can set the stage prior to the feedback session by sharing your agenda for the conversation and how you expect the recipient to participate.

Use different methods of communication to help someone receive the feedback. Not everyone is an auditory learner, there may be an opportunity to visually display your evaluation process, or simply share your feedback in a written format. The goal is to deliver an effective message that intentionally penetrates the eyes, ears, and heart in a constructive way.

Speak Their Language

When you understand someone’s core motivators and behaviors through an assessment like the Predictive Index (PI), you can tailor your language accordingly. Consider this example: Let’s say you’re working with someone who is highly extraverted and motivated by social connections. To provide feedback that really resonates, you might say something like “I noticed when you present to the team, sometimes you get so excited that you don’t pause enough to bring others into the conversation. What can we do differently to help the team feel as excited as you are and create more inclusion?” 

See how that grounds the feedback in their key driver (social influence) while giving a clear, bite-sized action step? For someone with a different motivational make-up, you’d pivot your phrasing. Maybe with an individual driven by patience and process, you might emphasize how they are skilled at building processes, then ask how we can bring other team members along to increase buy-in.

Motivations, through Predictive Index:

• High Dominance: Lean in to their desire to win. Describe the feedback as “this is what winning looks like”.
• High Extraversion: Focus on their need for social connection. Play into their strength of building relationships and connecting with others.
• High Patience: Emphasize their strength of steadiness and loyalty. Give them time to process the feedback at their own pace.
• High Formality: Frame up how they can avoid making a mistake. Reassure that you will help them get it right and will shoulder any risk.

The point is, understanding the person’s motivators allows you to speak their language and make the feedback feel relevant and motivating, rather than demotivating. You can highlight how making a particular change could allow them to showcase more of their natural strengths. This both affirms their strengths while giving the feedback in a digestible way.

Gentle Adaptation, not Changing Stripes

But what if the feedback is about doing something that doesn’t come naturally based on their behavioral drivers? This is where you have to be especially mindful about phrasing. You don’t want to make someone feel like they’re being asked to completely change who they are at their core.  

Instead, the focus is on stretching abilities while still leaning into their motivators, where possible. For instance, you might say “You tend to be more reserved in group settings, which is great for listening and being objective. However, I’d love to see you share your ideas a bit more proactively. I think if you set a goal to make 1-2 comments per meeting, it would be a nice balance and allow us to capitalize on your unique perspective more.” 

The framing emphasizes their strengths (objectivity, listening) while giving a clear, manageable adjustment to try. You’re not overhauling their personality, but rather giving an actionable step for growth.

Peer Support

In some cases, it can be powerful to pair the individual with a peer who exhibits the skill or behavior you’re wanting to develop. Having the chance to learn from a respected teammate showcasing “the way” in action can be transformative. It allows them to ask questions, get hands-on practice, solicit feedback, and find approaches that fit their personal style.

Of course, this mentoring approach works best in conjunction with your own direct feedback and guidance. You’ll want to continue that feedback loop to shape and refine their progress.

Ground Feedback in Reflection and Evaluation

There’s wisdom in the quote from John C. Maxwell – “Experience isn’t the best teacher; evaluated experience is.” In other words, our personal experiences alone don’t qualify as a comprehensive education. It’s only by reflecting on and evaluating those experiences that we derive deeper insights.

As leaders, it’s our role to initiate and guide that reflective evaluation process when providing feedback. Don’t just highlight what someone is doing well or missing the mark on. Prompt them to analyze why a particular approach or behavior is effective or ineffective. Ask thought-provoking questions to foster their self-awareness. Reframe “failures” and setbacks as learning opportunities to be examined and optimized.

By engaging employees in this introspective, evaluative process around their feedback, you’ll accelerate their growth. They won’t just modify behaviors at a surface level. They’ll start internalizing a heightened consciousness about what works, what doesn’t, and how to continually iterate for better results. That self-driven improvement is the ultimate leadership challenge and key to unlocking peak talent optimization.

Foster Continuous Growth

Delivering constructive feedback may never be 100% comfortable, but it’s an essential job of a leader. The goal is to normalize an ongoing feedback loop where everyone feels empowered to share respectful observations and suggestions. 

Create a productive feedback culture by modeling it yourself. When employees know you’ll provide regular insights (both positive and constructive) with emotional intelligence and a growth mindset, it diffuses the potentially threatening nature of criticism. The focus becomes accelerating development and optimization rather than personal judgments.

So don’t bite your tongue when you have feedback to share, but definitely watch your tone and approach. Put yourself in their shoes to understand motivations. Be clear, be constructive, and make it a dialogue of discovery rather than a critique. With practice and self-awareness, you can absolutely deliver feedback that inspires people to up their game rather than feeling discouraged or criticized.